What would you have me know today?
i had a fasciectomy 16 days ago.
after a year of running and having many ups and downs, a physiatrist i’ve been working with solved my problem! i had compartment syndrome. he explained to me that when my muscles exercise, they expand by 20% and the fascia that encloses the muscles also expands. my fascia doesn’t. this means i have a lot of pressure built up in my (calf) muscle. by the end, running wasn’t fun because, although i didn’t have pain, my gait didn’t feel smooth and i had a lot of tingling in my toes. he told me if i want to run, surgery is the answer. he said the surgeon would slit my fascia like you would slit a sausage before you put it on the bbq. i thought, great! seems simple enough. what i didn’t consider is the recovery!
i’m on the couch, with my legs elevated and my left leg attached for 20 minutes out of each hour to the giant “ice man classic” machine. i had no idea about the bruising and swelling! last thursday, however, i saw the athletic therapist and my stiches came out. she told me i can walk around my house without crutches and i could walk outside with crutches. i went home and immediately walked outside for 3 blocks! the first time i’ve been outside in two weeks. then i went straight to the couch. i’ve been humbled.
i’ve never not moved like this. but i’m trying my best to reframe this time as an opportunity i love. amor fati, is what the stoics call it. i am all in on stoicism! i’ve spend this time learning about stoicism, and it’s helping me. i am someone who ruminates and wishes “what if’. stoicism is helping me to accept the situation. the sooner i can accept i had surgery, i can move on. i am trying to run a personal best time in the marathon, and this time is teaching me that there is more than one way to get to your goal. and the way there is not a straight line. it’s okay to go off course, and learn new things. my way, apparently, includes surgery.
i’m also reading sister corita kent’s learning by heart and working my way through the assignments. one assignment i modified for myself was an observation assignment. corita asked me to look at the same object everyday, notice the shadows, and start noticing how much you notice each day. i’ve been noticing our bonsai, miyagi, every morning and then drawing miyagi! it is actually amazing how differently i’m looking at miyagi after 16 days (imagine what would happen if people all over the world took the time to really notice things! i’m trying to take this mindset with me).
the last thing i’ve been doing is MAKING THINGS! books! i’m hand stitching the paper together and filling the books with photographs, or words, or magazine cutouts. i’ve decided to make personalized books for christmas!
i’ve done this while laying on the couch with my legs in the air. some days, i even felt like there weren’t enough hours in the day because i had so much MAKING to get done. i miss running (and moving) so much…but i’m also in a strange way grateful for this opportunity. (stoicism!)
