What would you have me know today?

when miles was born, i loved carrying and holding miles. i carried him everywhere. i had a carrier i would wear and i would walk him all over our neighbourhood, singing nursery rhymes that my mom sang to me while he was in the carrier. i had a similar experience with margot. i loved everything about carrying and holding her too.

this experience was odd for me because, pre-babies, and now post-babies, i’ve been telling myself i’m someone who doesn’t like to be touched, that i’m touched too much. in fact, before we had kids, den and i went to a couples massage, where the spa put us in separate rooms (although side by side rooms!). den said he could hear me through the wall asking the therapist to massage a bit lighter, not so much pressure. i kept saying, please press lighter, when eventually, the therapist said “why don’t I wrap your feet in a hot towel and I will leave the room.” I remember thinking that the massage was the best.

i’m thinking about all of this because i’m struggling with miles. and this is very difficult to write. but it was den who suggested i start to cuddle him more, to take time to show my love by using touch and cuddle. every part of my body became uncomfortable. this is not my natural way to show love. i show my love by making things for people. it turns out, den was right. so today when i was telling this entire story to someone, they asked me if i can remember that i loved holding and carrying my babies? and, can i reject the narrative that i’ve created about myself that i am someone who doesn’t like touch or to be touched? and my answer was yes!!

it was wonderful to remember that i can reject certain narratives and i can do things differently.

another big win i had this week happened after an argument miles and i had before school. miles suddenly stopped what he was doing and said “well, are we going to draw together or what?!” (i was smiling so much on the inside…and then on the outside!)

Dear Intimacy,

Dear Intimacy,